Another one from the vault.

From Peterborough slam days.
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6 simple rules to dating a Lauren Margaret
6 simple rules to help hit this heart on target
Don't lie, don't cheat
Don't flake, don't beat
Have faith in me, and don't touch my feet...

...but really, I hate them. A boy once offered to reflexology me. You know, the one where while your big toe is being massaged, somehow the left side of colon is also getting a rub down.
That reflexology.
It made me feel ill, and not the dope, so fresh ill.

So there are 6 rules to get inside the door, but if you're thinking of settling down for good then I've got a list of expectations that unrolls and hits the floor.

I want a man who can make me laugh so hard I cry.
I need a guy who doesn't mind just sitting watching the clouds go by.
I want someone who can understand and just go with the flow.
So I'll never have to explain my reasoning because he'll just already know.

And while he sweeps me off my feet he's gotta keep me on my toes.
And when he's hanging in my house he should know where the clean dishes and the dirty laundry go!
Seriously, rinse you damn cup,use some soap,dry it up, put it away.
I'm not here to service you and I'm not your mother just put things back in the cupboard.
And keep in mind, unless you say 'don't worry about it' at your place-I'm going to soap my cup,rinse it off,dry it down and put it away.
Because you and I have better things to do than pick up after one another.
We'll have better things to do, like loving down on one another.

And so you know, I like comparing lovers to novels.
I don't want a chic lit type lover.
One that I can predict how's it going to end, yet I read it anyways because for the couple of minutes to couple of hours it takes for me to skim the pages it i'm not longer bored.

However, I don't want a man that mirrors a James Joyce either, no I don't want a Ulysses.
Dense to get through, hard to understand, sentences meaning three different things at once when all he really meant to say was "I want a cheeseburger."

My lover should read like an Oscar Wilde-
Surprise me with your humour,entrap me in your words.
Make me smirk with your undertones of sexuality and be so damn good that you're not only notable-you're fucking quotable.
Make me like what I read so that I continue to read the first six chapters again and again because I love it so- I still don't know how the story'll end.

So it might seem like a lot, but I am a girl that cannot be bought.
And any person who wants to be with me will be able to handle that,
'Cause I am a goddess and this body is a temple you should pray at.
My mind a library of knowledge,and ideas and genres so one day I may be a diva,a poet, an actress, an artist,a pirate or just some easy going spirit who loves "singing in the rain, just siiinging in the rain.'

Most days I am a strong amazon warrior,
But every once and a while I'll be that damsel in distress asking you to come over and reach something high up for me because- last time I tried to scale my shelving the whole damn cupboard came down on me, so could you just pass me the very high up cheerios, please. Because I've misplaced my stepladder.

Effort, and being thoughtful
Not just chocolates and candies and flowers, but the little things. Like, as my best girl friend said:
"If you were to lose that little thing that unlocks your car door. The one that goes "boep boep" and you say just once ' argh! Now I can't lock my door from far away!' That wonderful, thoughtful person you're with goes and picks you one up the very next day.

"Here Baby. I thought of you. Boep Boep."

Don't take my bullshit , know when no is the right thing to say.
Stand up to me-I swear its really okay.
You need to love me at four o'clock in the morning without make-up.
At times when my world is collapsing and every things shaken up.
Knows sometimes I can be selfish, and short tempered like the rest.
Baby,Love me at my worst, or you don't deserve to love me at my best.

Just know I try though, I really do.
Once you've got my love I swear to only you that I'll be true.
I don't want to be on a pedestal, but a throne beside yours, because you are my King.
I expect to be your Queen.

I don't wanna be your ice cream sundae, I just wanna be the cherry on top.

I wanna hear your smile over the phone
And we'll hold each other not just when we feel alone.

Sooo, I've got this list of expectations that unrolls and hits the floor.
and I swear to Zeus that I've got a least a million more things
that I want.
However.
If we click, and you catch me off guard- I'll roll up that list and only occasionally cross reference because as I said

There are only six simple rules to getting this Lauren Margaret.
Six simple rules to be remembered and not forgotten.

Don't lie. Don't cheat.
Don't flake. Don't beat.
Have faith in me, and don't touch my feet!