.We seek the nightmare.

Ok, is this or is this not, a hilarious concept:

To go out on an amazing date, and then to preserve the greatness of it- declare- "I'll never see him again, there's no way he can top that"

Smile, shake a hand and say "I've never gone on a date before, and that one was pretty fantastic. Thank you. Have a good life,.."

I mean, that's funny, no?


Hahaha. I think it's a truly hilarious concept, to actually say that to someone would shock them, I think, or , maybe, make them think you're nuts.

It's a concept! Not a reality.
In all reality you'd want to top that awesome date, wouldn't you? As humans we're constantly trying to improve, so naturally, as human nature would state; we'd want another chance to recreate awesomeness- and improve apoun it.
I just thought it would be funny to go against human nature for once.
I guess shaking hands is a start.


Lame.

Oh well, off to work, then p-a-r-t-y this weekend.
That's right, sweet ass home warming party. To celebrate the house that knows no drama.
I'm pretty excited to learn how to bbq. Hopefully nothing gets burnt, or set on fire....or you know, whatever else that could be worse than burnt or firey.
Dead.
I hope nothing gets dead.
Hah.
(I'm knocking on wood, I swear, I swear)

Did I mention how friggen loopey I feel this morning? Like, right out of my tree. If I drank more last night I would swear that I was still drunk.
Dancey.
That's how I feel right now, like I could dance all day.
Good thing I work with music. When poker face comes on today you bet I'll be dancing to it.
Oh! and I think I work with Jackson today too, he's always sweet for a good ol' eisle dance or two.
Ramble ramble
shit twit
the bus has come
and you've missed it.

Fuck, I'll have to take a cab now.

.Run run run away.

Oh man, runaway- yeah yeah yeahs.

Fuckin' check it out man. It's making my life.

So tragic, and sexual and beautiful. I keep listening to it on repeat.

In other news. Life

Ma bella vie.

I went on the BEST date of all dates tonight.

Was he cute?

Check.

Was he interesting?

Check.

Was he hilarious?

Check.

Did he have his shit together?

Check.

Did he make me utterly and completly happy tonight?

Check mate.

I love old school dates. Nothing, and I mean nothing beats Sushi, beer and a solid conversation.

Seriously.

"I didn't get you flowers, but I got you a blue gatorade, hope that's cool"

I gave up all hope that men could be interesting, and regardless of the fact that I might, in all actuallity, never see him again, he restored my faith in decent dudes.

I utterly dig decent dudes.

Utterly.

The only thing I regret is not kissing him.

I shook his hand instead.

Ahh.....I'm a dork.

Who shakes someone's hand?

"Can I ..you know, kiss you?"

"Uh...haha. here, shake my hand instead"

"Uh..sure"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh. aaaahhahahahahahaha.

He was cute.

I also really enjoy having a good night in the company of a male, it's been so long. I'm pretty sure the last time I hung out with a guy I enjoyed he made my insides feel like they were coal. Black and good for grilling with.

Ma bella vie.

C'est bon, no?

.Music is my boyfriend.

Music is the only lover I have any more.

"Music is my hot hot sex."

True to any Lover of Lauren form, it's been frustrating me like nobodies business.
I have all these Cd's but my disc drive doesn't work on my computer, and somewhere in the 10097457345x's that I've moved I lost my disc man...
...So basically, I can listen to my cd's on my dvd player, but I can't bring them anywhere with me, and my ipod is old as fuck. Also, I've lost so many cd's from the old days that I just cannot survive without. Some things I have on my ipod but I'd really just rather have them in CD form, so I clean out my itunes, and somehow , start all over.

GRARGH!

Haha.
Normally my play list is pretty set on a couple of songs and a few artists, but lately it's been all over the place. At work I started writing a list for all the Cd's I have to buy, some of them I've heard (thank you seeqpod & myspace<3) and some of them I just want based on sheer gut feeling.

Need:
Metric-fantasies <3
Metric-Old world underground<3
Metric-Live it out
Kate Nash-Made of Bricks<3
Murder by death-In boca Al lupo ??
Taking Back Sunday-Tell all your friends <3
" " -Where you want to be <3 <3
" " -Louder now <3
" "- New Again ?? (out June 2nd!!)
Brand New -Deja Entendu <3 <3 <3 x's111109743597435734-78-67436
" " -The Devil & God are raging inside me <3
" "- Your favourite weapon<3
Finch-What it is to burn<3
Nofx-Coaster ??
Afi-Sing the sorrow <3
Regina Spektor-Soviet Kitsch
" "-Begin to hope <3!
" "- Far ?? (not out yet!)


I think that might be enough to get me through the week.
Haha.!
<3 I love my lover.

.You're showing me a side of you that I don't know.

I think I spent the last 7 months of my life dating pure evil.
I mean, there's no other way to explain how someone can drop the "L" bomb and then turn around and use words that don't convey that at all.
" Boring. Weak .Sniveling. Pathetic."

I think that, mixed with a dash for a need to constantly partake in sadistic conversations about why I suck plus an utter lack of compassion for another persons pain results in pure, unadulterated, evil.

"I never cared, I just faked it because I was bored"

"I'm starting to doubt whether or not you have a soul"
"I do, it's kept under my bed"


Well, no more whining. Block,delete, block, delete.

Peace out you evil f*ck.

Here's to will power to the max-treme.

.Let's do the time warp again.

I've been thinking about needing a bicycle for a long while now. I was walking along George St today on the way to grocery store and decided to stop in one of the used movie stores, in attempts to feed my sex&the city addiction...Well they didn't have any of that but they did have the sweetest little bicycle sitting in the middle of the store.

FOR SALE.

$35.oo


The weirdest part was that I had exactly $35.oo in my wallet.

I think it was meant to be.

It's very old, and blue. It looks like it's straight out of 1950.
I love every rusty inch of it.

.learning to love myself assignment.

There's this website called "Learning to love yourself" and it has assignments to I suppose, aide in the loving of one's self.
One that really caught me was the "Letters to yourself at a troubled time" . My sister did it for an assignment and so I thought I'd try it out.

To Lauren at 14:

-Grade nine will be memorable for you. Despite the rides in the back of cop cars and the fights with your mom, you won't regret anything.
-John Kelly will never love you back. Give it up. You'll be so much better off when you just accept that he's not that into you. Laughing at all of his girlfriends is way more satisfying.

At 15.
-Shaun Bockmaster isn't the love of your life. Thank him for the Thursday t-shirt and move on, otherwise at 2o you'll be wondering why he's marrying some other girl.
-Everything you're doing now is wrong, but you'll become stronger for it.
-Don't start smoking
-Working at Tim Hortons will change your life, for the better...no, seriously.
-Don't sleep around.
-Don't sleep with Barry. You'll never live that one down. Despite how hot the whole "Marilyn Manson " thing is now, it won't be in about..oh...4 months.
-Write everything down.
-Sit on the roof top more often, you'll miss this.
-despite everything, tell your mother you love her.
-take pictures of all of your animals. say good-bye to scooter and Katie, you'll never see them again.

16:
-Just kiss Dave.
-You're not fat.
-You'll look back on this year as the happiest ever.
-Your hair is friggen gorgeous.
-Shaun is still not the love of your life. ..and good for you for sticking up for yourself at least a little.
-When you're leaving , pack earlier, that way you won't move out with nothing.

17:
-You're upset because you've just realised all of the crap going on around you, you've just become aware. You're strong and you will get through this.
-Money is fleeting...but you should save more.
-Improv is a good choice.
-Dave Sider is a bad choice, avoid that all together, because in a month you'll get dumped over email and humiliated at your improv show by him and his emo friends.
-Shaun will dump you in exactly a month for the girl he's cheating on you with. Be his friend. but when he says " I want to be with you again" there will be a little voice screaming "No way Jose!" ..listen to it, or else you won't even be able to trust him and you'll be miserable all summer.
-DONT DATE ADAM COCKS.
-If you must date him just know how stupid he is and how all of your future relationships will be great because of this one idiot you lowered the bar for.
-Put more focus into Improv
-Student council... well don't cry about it, who cares if they don't like you. You're a bitch sometimes, embrace it.
-Emily and Breanne and Cassy and Jazz , these people matter.
-Tell Jason about your HUGE crush on him. 4 years from now it'll still be there.

18:
-Get a summer job.
-Hug Cindy more.
-Joe Deluca is what a boyfriend should act like.
-On the same note, end things with him now, because in a year from now, it won't be so easy.
-Peterborough is going to be good for this year, ...and a summer, and that's it.
-Don't sweat school so much.
-Embrace the fact that you actually like writing essays.


19:
-Go to the bars more
-Fight with Joe less. End things with Joe when the fighting starts...not during.
-Hang out with Cassy more
-School...well I'm not going to tell you not to flunk out, because ,really...you are where you are now because you fucked up.
-There are about 3 guys you really just should have never spoken to.
-SAVE SOME DAMN MONEY
-Move out of Wolsely, it'll save you SO much grief.
-Paint more.
-Don't feel so bad about school, when you were trying you were getting 80's.

20:
-DONT DATE ANYONE
-HMV is the best job you'll ever have.
-This is going to be a shit year but it'll get you to where you need to be.
-Jon is going to mess everything up, just avoid him. Please.
-Don't quit full time.
-Fleming is a waste of time.
-Move to Toronto when you first start thinking about it.
-The first time you think about leaving should be the time you leave, for good.
-Don't think for a second that you deserve less. Cheating is never acceptable. Ever. You deserve more, always.
-Don't compromise yourself for anyone, ever. If they tell you to be more "compassionate" or less "self-involved" flip them the bird and tell them you are who you are, deal or don't.
-Don't move in with Elliott.
-Wait until at least January before agreeing to date Elliott...
-He will break your heart. You will still love and miss him. Be prepared.
-Celebrate your birthday without him.

.My blogger society, A msn conversation with my sister.

.Lauren. :
I love blogs
I've decided they're healthier

Because i can whine whine whine all i want
and sendd my friends a link
and then they'll know whats up with me
and if they don't want to hear about it they just skip onto another blog.
Or comment if they'd like.
and then all the bad things can be brought up like "hey, i read on your blog your cat got run over"
and i'd be like "yeah, it was sad"
and then you'd say " i commented on it"
and id say, "I know, thanks for the support"
and that would be IT
Rudolf Rassendyll :
Hahahahaha
Blogger.
Blogging Society.
.Lauren:
"Elliott broke my heart"
"I know i read about it"
"Yeah, it sucked"
"I know, i commented that i was sorry"
"thanks for the support man"
hahahaha

OH MAN


I'm so blogging this.


Rudolf Rassendyll : Haha. A conversation with yourself. Nice.

.By the skin of my teeth, I'm coming home.

Oh Toronto, how I love thee, let me count the ways.

one. two.

three.

Four. Five.

Emily and Breanne make the world go 'round. I was only there for two days and a night, but man oh man, we packed the adventures in.

Kensington market in the morning, perfect sunny warmth followed by a patio where you can smoke-up..This was probably one of my favourite spots. I must have looked so small town when I declared "You can smoke DOPE out here?!" You best believe I ordered a cookie and an iced mocha latte to go with that bitch.

Then we sushi'ed for lunch and grabbed some bubble tea. After a power nap Bre and I went to Rotate this and grabbed tickets for a show.

Hullllllloooo, Murder by Death, I love yoouuu.

Murder by death: my new favourite band of all time. Think country punk-esk with Electric Cello. God.Mix that with beers and amazing pot.... I was loving my life.

After the amazing MBD show and parking lot fiasco's we were picked up by my long time best male friend, Adam. We went over to his friend Kyle's place for more drinking. Well wouldn't you know it Emily started puking after the second shot of Whiskey.

The night went like this: Kyle hits on me. Emily pukes. I stop listening to Kyle. Kyle hits on Emily. Emily drinks another shot. Kyle tries to kiss me. Emily pukes again. I go back to ignoring Kyle. Kyle takes Emily into the other room in attempts to make out with her.

All in all , pretty damn hilarious. In Emily's words "He couldn't get you, so he went for puke girl. I had puke in my hair for Christ's sake. What a loser"

What a loser indeed.

After that I decided that, in lu of my recent encounters with the male kind (adding this one to the proverbial score board) that I have no luck what-so-ever when it comes to dudes.

So, I'm just going to avoid them.

All together.

Indefinitely.

The next morning we went for Breakfast at Shanghai Cowgirl. If you're ever in Toronto, avoid this spot like the plague.

The seating was made for model bum.

Now, don't get me wrong, my ass aka 'me bum', is there-I mean I have a bit of a booty, but it 'aint that Grande ,if you know what I mean...Well the booths at this place could barely hold me and my miniature ass in. I'm talking planks for seating. It was annoying, but hilarious at the same time trying to imagine how I'd actually be able to eat a meal comfortably there.

Breanne ordered a chocolate milk that I'm pretty sure was actually warm cream with a shot of chocolate in it, and to top it off I'm pretty sure none of the waitress eat there, or anywhere for that matter....and if they do they're sitting comfortably at their wee wittle model bum booths.

We went to a place called Java on Queen St, instead.

Not only did Java have cute waiters but their orange juice was freshly squeezed and their staff were really accommodating. After that we spent the rest of the morning roof jumping, taking pictures, people watching and sun-tanning on Bre's roof.

What I wouldn't give to be back there.

I hit up H&M on my way to the bus and snagged the cutest little summer dress. Now all I need is another sunny day , damnit, so I can wear the bloody thing.

Every time I'm in Toronto I feel so alive. Such a heavy contrast to Peterborough. In the Burough I feel like I'm in limbo...just waiting for my life to get started....So get started already!

It makes me wonder what I have left here. Some friends, a job I like , a house I enjoy....but all of those things use to be enough and now, well ,like always, I want more.

7 months ago I planned on moving to Montreal. Then I met a boy, and the once stagnant town I hated didn't seem like a place I would rot in anymore, It seemed like a place that was worth being in because he was in it too, and fuck ,anywhere he was couldn't be that bad. So I stayed. I stayed and went against all of my "strong, independent, loner" ideals and even said a cheerful "yes!" when he suggested moving in together after only 2 weeks of dating. "YES!" I cheered, because hell, I was in love. Head over heels, right from the get-go. He was my best friend and despite fighting against it for months I let him in... In him I saw everything that I thought I wanted. I saw the person I was going to build a home with, adventure with, tell my secrets to and laugh with. In him I saw love and I saw happiness. It scared me how bloody perfect for me he was.So I stayed. I stayed in Peterborough because I fucking loved him.Isn't that stupid? All for a dumb-perfectly unperfect boy, and now ,coming up to the year marker of when I first decided that he was someone I really enjoyed being around I'm back to square one. I really didn't think I'd be back here so soon.

I. Hate. Peterborough.

I miss Elliott.

I miss Toronto.

I just want one of my loves back.

to sum it up...thank you Say Anything.

Here I am, laid bare, at the end of my rope. I’ve lost all hope. So Long!
Molly Connolly just broke up with me over the revealing nature of the songs.
You goddamn kids had best be gracious with the merch money you spend
'cause for you I won’t ever have rough sex with Molly Connolly again.

Here I am, laid down, at the end of my rope, wishing I had not been born.
Now I’ve spewed too much. I can never shut it up. I thought you should be warned
And I implied black sky took the needle to my eye and sucked out all its glow,
Woah! Molly Connolly ruined my life. I thought the world should know.

I can’t stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
I can’t figure out just what I did wrong.
I’ll kill myself thinking about the things that you did to me, Molly Connolly.

Can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
Just can't figure out just what I did wrong.
Kill yourself thinking about things that you did to me, Molly Connolly.
KC!

Can't stop thinking about...
Just can't figure her out...
Kill myself thinking about my Molly Connolly.

Can't stop thinking about (I can't stop thinking about it)
Just to figure out (I won't stop thinking about it)
Kill yourself thinking about Molly Connolly.
(I’ll kill myself! I’ll kill myself! I’ll kill myself!)

.Can you see the sky turn red?.

Today is moving day if all goes according to plan.
I have about two boxes left to pack; dishes and art supplies are all that's left.

There isn't any evidence that a happy love once existed here, it's been covered over with shit memorys from the past two weeks.

We slept in the same bed last night and I don't think I slept for a second. He kept tossing which in turn would suggest that I turn and toss, which I did. I'd look over and he'd have his hand draped over my side, but like he was being slapped he'd pull away almost instantly and move as far over as possible.

There's nothing left to say, I doubt he or I wants to hear it.

I had to force him to hug me goodbye this morning.

I don't want to move. I just want my old life back.

.Me because of You.

The Writhing South”

Yeah…yeah….yeah….OK.


Searching for blood in the salty sea
The sun beating down on the chest and back of me
Looking for drugs in a southern town (Hey…hey…hey…hey).
I've got this red right hand that points me south.
The puke green cloud just spat me out
Into the hot heartland; I've landed with no chute


I hear "Hey…hey…hey…hey,
Come pollinate me…hey….
Hey…hey…hey…hey).
Come pollinate me…hey."

Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.
Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

Alright, we're gonna do it again for you now, ok….
Yeah….Oh yeah, Yeah….

They've got the army of ears--they can't hear you now.
I've got the piss in my veins and these furrowed brows.
You've got this one last chance to burn me, turn me down
If not, I've got these last twelve bucks to spend on you.
You can take me anywhere your sick mind wants to.
I'll use your South to fuel me using you..oh...

I hear "Hey…hey…hey…hey,
Come pollinate me…hey….
Hey…hey…hey…hey).
Come pollinate me…hey."

Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.
Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

Oh….oh….

I hear “Hey…hey…hey…hey.
Come pollinate me…hey…."
Hey…hey…hey….
"Come pollinate me…hey."
Hey…hey…hey….Come pollinate me….
Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.
Across the room, across the room….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon….
I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

.Chasing Amy.

Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. [to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Jay: I didn't know that about you
Silent bob: Bitch, the shit you don't know about me could fill the grand canyon. Did you know I wanted to be a dancer in vegas? did you know that?....
Silent Bob: So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But, you know how it is - you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were goin' out, he brought some people to bed with them. Menage a tois I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right. I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic for God's sakes.
Jay: Saint Shithead. [Silent Bob elbows him, Jay motions as if to start a fight]
Silent Bob: Do something. [to Holden]
Silent Bob: So, I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by callin' her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm-I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right. And she's just all calmly tryin' to tell me like it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her strait in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fucking-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like-like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saayin'? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was - she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... So to speak.

2 am

"Her Voice was full of money."


:"Que sera sera"

That's all.

.Bromance.

Am I allowed to have a bromance? Even though I'm not a dude nor a bro? Just like an awesome male dude to be my friend and give me a daily to every other daily dose of male-view point on life's little blunders?
I hung out with Dan tonight and we went on a friend date to see "I love you, man". It made me realy miss having a guy best friend, not a shot to my ladytrons, but sometimes you just need to talk to a dude about stuff. They're just so friggen chill about everything.

Damnit.

There I go, missing him ,again.

This sucks, he WAS my friend and then we had to go and mess it up by dating. If I just said no months ago I'd still have him in my life...I wouldn't be heart broken and we would just laugh about the losers I went on dates with...Frigg. I miss my friend.

.Before I forget.

Things said and thought today that I must not lose in this drunken haze.

Bre: (About her current crap-shoot of a boy) He's just not ready for a relationship, he's just not ready. Stick him back in the oven. He 'ain't done.
Lauren:He's like that lasgana from last night
Bre:?
Lauren: Still frozen in the middle.
Bre: He just needs more time
Lauren: Yeah, he shouldn't be cold, but gooey and deliciously cheesy.



(Talking to Joe)
Laur: I don't like your name
Joe: My name?
Laur:Your MSN name. Island of love. It makes me think that love is an island
Joe:Well maybe it is.
Laur:Except that it's a deserted island, he took the boat and I'm stuck here.
Joe:You're never stuck
Laur: Yes I am, I'm stuck on a f*cking island of love, alone, and what's the point of being on love island...alone?
Joe:Well...you could always find a sea turtle and ride it back to populated land, that's what I did
Laur: A sea turtle? Christ, I'll be stuck here forever.
Joe: Naw, you're in the Galapagos, there are pleanty of sea turtles, you just have to look for one.


Break-ups are like deleting a facebook account, there are a million questions as to "Why?" and reminders of all the things that you'll miss and that will miss you, but ultimately you just want to get rid of the f*ucking thing....maybe you'll reactivate it one day, but for now it's just an annoyance.


I really miss him.

I also really missed eating real food.

I need to quit smoking.

I also need to listen to the smart part of my brain right now.

.Face-crack.

Holy Shite.
Facebook can eat a dick. Seriously.

Do you know to deactivate your account you have to answer about a billion questions and give up your first born child? WHY?
Not only can they not just let you go in peace, but they have to add insult to injury by showing you pictures of your friends saying "Jenny will miss you. Erin will miss you".

There was even a caption box saying "Elliott will miss you" and to make it worse, this caption was the header over a picture of him and I-kissing!
"Elliott will miss you"
THANK YOU FUCKBOOK FOR REMINDING ME HOW GLORIOUSLY SINLGE AND ALONE I AM.
Bah!
AS IF I need facebook to show me all the glorious things I'll be missing once I know longer need their services.
"Your life is going to suck, now that you don't have us"
Shove it up your twitter ,that's what I have to say to Facebook.

And as I'm writing this I know that there are about a billion underlying messages about relationships in general, but I think I'm too angry and drunk to write about them.

On to day three.

And side note: I am so not-repeat not-ready to be friends with Joe. and I haven't seen half the people, or persons I came here to see.

.The needle touched down.

If I never come back to Peterborough it might be too soon.

Last night Bre and I sat on her Toronto-top roof and watched the people walk down the street. Multi-coloured lights flashed across the CN tower and the drunks hollered at eachother. I drank my beer and smoked my cigarettes and thought, that despite the sounds of the cars and the people yelling that I felt at peace. More at peace then I've felt in a very long time.

The peacefulness was disrupted this morning due to the fact that my wake up call was the shriek of fire truck sirens at 7 am. Oh Toronto, you bitch.

I'm at home now, falling in love with Neko Case and Rilo Kiley. Seriously, "Pretty Girls" and "Silver lining" are becoming my new theme songs.

In other late breaking news, Joe got a hold of me today. He told me he tried to email me last month, I guess I never got it. Whatever it was he wanted to say in that email he's going to say tonight..when we go out for beers...we'll see how that goes.
Maybe we can be friends?





It's day two on my feel better quest. According to the break-up rules (side note: WHO wrote these?) It's suppose to take half as long as I was with him, to get over him.So..what is that? 3 months to get over him? Crap... However, according to the live-in boyfriend calculator Jenny and I made up Elliott and I were together for real-time ..a year...so six months? It better not take me six bloody months to get over this, three feels like pushing it. What happens in three months? That's JULY.... JULY! Half of the god-damned summer feeling like hell because...because what? Because I'm single? BLOODY HELL.



I keep jumping between being really angry, really sad and just plain ol' missing him.


I have to get off the damn computer and live a little.

This will be my mantra once it stops hurting.

"Hurray, hurray. I'm your silver lining. Hurray, Hurray, I was your silver lining..but now, I'm gold."

.Music will keep me alive.

I felt you in my legs Before I even met youAnd when I layed beside you
For the first time I told you I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen (Call me)
I felt you in my life Before I ever thought to
Felt the need to lay down Beside you And tell you I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen (call me)
I was nineteen (call me)
Flew home, Back to where we met
Stayed inside I was so upset
I cooked up a plan, So good except I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen (call me)
I was nineteen

.I knew you before, you were beautiful back then.

Talk about a roller- coaster ride of a couple of days. My heart has definitely been put through the ringer.

All in all, lessons learned. Never compromise yourself for what you think people want, because in the end you lose the parts of yourself that you (and that special someone) loved. And if someone has burned you once before in the past, no matter how much time has passed, they'll probably just keep on burning you, in the exact same way unless they get a serious wake-up call...and for some it could be as serious as a heart attack and still make no difference.

I'm going to miss him, but I'm not going to miss feeling like this.

Today I'm packing up most of my stuff so that it's good to move as soon as the 10th rolls around. Tonight I'm heading to Toronto to see Breanne and sleep on her couch before trekking to Grimsby until next Wednesday or Thursday...Whichever dates allows me to do what I need to do and see who I need to see to feel like a functional human being again.

.to wonder out or to stay inside.

I know I should be socializing.
I just don't know how to pretend to be happy right now.

Maybe things I love will help..patios and beers and cigarettes.

.Conversations with my past about my future.

I asked the guy who I once called "The love of my life" (or better yet, the first guy I ever really loved, who broke my heart multiple times and I pined for, for about 4..maybe 5 years?) for advice about this love lost.

Yeah I've been through it all. I kind of lucked out though in one way because our lease was coming to an end at the place Alex and I were living and I was finishing up school, so a change was in order anyway and I was prepared a bit for it....As for the emotional pain you must be feeling, there's nothing anyone can really do to help that. Majority of relationships end in break up (otherwise everyone would marry the first person they dated!) and so its all just part of the learning experience of life. Just try not to let it stray you from the life you were pursuing outside of him (ie. school) and ride on the hope that it WILL get better and everything WILL be alright in time. Also, you will be that much more experienced and mature in your next relationship.One thing I highly recommend is to remove him from your facebook friends. You're only going to torture yourself by going to his page and seeing what he's up to. In fact, if you can't find it in yourself to throw everything out that is related to him (pictures, gifts, etc.), then maybe pack it all up in a box and give it to a friend and tell her not to let you look at any of it for at least a month. Then you can decide what to do with it.I'm not surprised he's being nice. He probably feels terrible about the whole thing. . But you have to understand that it is not their fault. If the feeling is gone, it's gone. It happens naturally, and there's nothing they can do about that. If this is the reason for the break up then it was for the best in the long run. Basically his options were either to break up or to go on pretending that there was still some feelings there. The latter can only end in disaster, so it's better to just end it now... And there are over 3 billion other guys in this world, so odds are there is always someone better out there for you.



If there are 3 billion guys out there then I think I've dated 1 billion of them.
It's just surprising because everything indicated that he was the one (cheese covered , I know) but I've never felt so compatable with someone, and as I write this , I think , it wasn't that long of a relationship...He was just my friend, my secret sharer, and he's still in the house, still around, so it makes it hard for me not to become a weeping mess "please , can we just cuddle? can we just lay here?" hoping maybe, just maybe he'll change his mind-He did once already(and then afterwards went on to say ' i dont know what i want')
Is 'I don't know' just a shelter for the bomb he should be dropping; 'I don't want you'.
Fuck.
I hate this...being able to talk about it with everyone but him.
I also hate the realization that I am no where near as mature as I thought I was, wouldn't a mature person be able to handle this so so so much better than I am?


"They only want you when you're 17, when you're 21, you're no fun

Today's thought.

I need a wizard.

You know, like in Oz?
That way all I would have to do is ask; New home, New Heart, New Brain to keep this from ever happening again....
...I wouldn't be able to ask for the nerve, that one is so clearly already taken.

Let it be known, today is day one of getting over him.