.Thin Ice.

"Lauren, don't do it. " An anxious voice warned from the back of my subconscious.

"I have to" I responded inwardly.

"Just because you're feeling all anxious and shit does NOT mean you have to go completely crazy. " It snaped back.

"Responding to a dick message on facebook is hardly crazy" I retorted, feeling guilty as I lied to myself.

"Pft, whatever, you're arguing with yourself. You know the truth." It says.

The truth was curiosity, mixed with a serious need for an emotional rush of some sort, any sort at that point tossed in with a panic attack and the need, the want, for the one person who I couldn't and will never have.

"Lauren" It warned again.
But it was too late. My fingers were flying across the keypad, typing short, frank words that I knew were only going to inflict pain when they were not returned.

"There's no point, you've lost it man, he doesn't love you anymore" The voice says, if it were anyone else's it might sound reproachful, but this voice, the one in my head was just sad and lonely.

I hit send and held my breath.
I knew I won't like what I'd get in return, but it would be something.
I knew I was reaching for straws , I knew I was inflicting unnecessary pain on myself but I really didn't give a shit. I just wanted him to respond, to pay attention to me for a minute. He sent the original message ,so maybe he wanted attention too? I knew I had lost it, but at the time I really didn't mind walking across thin ice if he was on the other side.

And now, now I ponder, how is it a person can have such a vice like grip on not only my heart but my sense of self preservation too? This rips me apart leaving holes yet I'm the one that lets it happen. When am I going to wake up and not love him? Not miss him? and mostly, when am I going to be strong enough to stop letting him hurt me?