Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Holler.


The job interview was a smashing success, I arrived at 12:45 and talked to the manager until 2 pm. We arranged a second interview for next week (!) so I can meet her boss and go through the process all over again. I felt so confident that this job was a job I could really be great at. She loved that I enquired about the company and position, so holler at NOW magazine for those "Improve your interview skills" articles.
The job is way more responsibility then I thought, but that's an exciting thing, I'm really ready to be challenged.

"How much do you expect per hour?"
"I don't really know"
"Well how much do you think you're worth?"
"Um, a million dollars?"

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

itchy toes


Job interview tomorrow!


Hehehe, yay for a semi big girl job!

Monday, February 8, 2010

love.

Zebra anything = love.



Continued.

All's not lost. I've still got my slowly growing career in PR. I'm working on that website and the other day I made a Halifax connection and set-up a possible show for my one and only client.

I have a client.

That was today's saving grace.

Onto Kicks.

There's not much to say about him other than he is the unattainable of all unattainable people.
He's gorgeous.
He's older.
He's got his crap together.

Sure, you might think, why does this make him unattainable?

He calls me kid.
Did I mention he's a lot older.
He just got out of a huge relationship....

...and today I found out he's going away, so regular happenstance contact with him will be over. He'll be away and then if I actually ever want to see him again I'll have to make an actual effort..which he could in turn, could turn down.
Uck. Rejection on the table, I don't like those odds.
I'm also 99% positive he has never once thought about me naked. Not good considering I can't stop picturing him without his clothes on.

Did I mention Mr.Black looks exactly like him? Coincidence, I think not. When I first met Mr.Black I thought
"Oh yum, you look like Kicks, but younger and we're in a real social setting where hitting on you isn't awkward because if you reject me I won't see you tomorrow"

So now he's gone, and today was dedicated to crying. He told me he was leaving, then went out and bought me chocolate.
"Don't cry, here, eat chocolate.Chocolate always makes you happy."
"You're going to make me fat"
"Guys like a little cushion"

Out loud I proclaimed that he was only buying off my tears because he didn't know how to deal with emotional women, inside I just got sadder. How can you not adore a man that buys you chocolate every single time you're sad?

I guess the downside of secret crushes is the fact that they're a secret. The object of your affection will never be able to return that affection because they have no idea that there's an option.
I know, I'm a coward. I adore one man and I can't bare to tell him because I'm so afraid he doesn't feel the same and I engage in a half ass relationship with Mr.Black to do what? Fill a void?
The thing about Mr.Black is that he's not the greatest conversationalist, he doesn't make me laugh and sometimes it gets really awkward, but now that I'm actually investigating my head I think I was using him.
Yes, I was using him because he was the attainable semi-carbon copy of Kicks. Kicks who I adore and will never be able to tell.

So instead I'm going to finish this barrel of chocolate, drink some wine and pout a little more.

Life, right?

.The High can't last forever.

Well boo.

Sometimes I get scared when things really go my way, because, eventually something happens and my emotional ass can't process it without crying.

Today was a crying lag.

For privacy sake we'll refer to the boy I've been seeing as Mr Black, and the man I'm secretly in love with Kicks.

So things with Mr Black have been going really well. Last weekend we spent Friday night together, it was really a perfectly cute night. We had a giant bubble bath, drank tea and cuddled. In the morning he helped me pack my stuff and load it into the car. When I couldn't fit my guitar or painting in the car he graciously offered to "baby-sit" them until I could pick them up.
That night I decided to come back to Toronto to party with some friends, as luck would have it they were all at Mr Black's place.

"Look, I put your painting up!" He said as I walked in the door. The night was spent at a party and half-way through the night he whispered in my ear "Let's get out of here, I want time with just you"
I rolled my eyes at his "I want sex" in hiding line, but left with him because the party was dedicated to my single friends' sucking other people's single friends' faces off and I was just drunk enough to feel super sexy.
The next morning we went out for Breakfast and he pulled my feet up onto his lap and rubbed my toes, despite feeling like it was a tad gross that he was touching my feet I ignored it for the bubbling feeling in my stomach. The thought that maybe Mr.Black was actually a someone.

(Insert loud record scratching noise)

Then I don't hear from him for over a week. Then he's busy all of a sudden. Then he's not answering his phone. I know what this is, I've watched S&tC, I've read the damn book.
This is avoidance.
This is the dreaded.
This is the thing I don't need to make excuses for, or get advice on.
This is He's Just Not That Into You.

Fuck.
He's just not that into me.

Last night he finally re-surfaced to the world.
"I got scared, I don't spend weekends with girls. I really like you, but I have issues, I don't like committing and it felt like it was turning into that"
"We could still have sex, but maybe you don't want that?"
"I guess I have invisible boundaries"

ugh. F my L.

"Whatever, I get it"
"No, but I want to explain!"
"No, it's alright, I got the memo, there's not much to explain"
"Well will you come over so we can talk?"
"No."
"But...your guitar is still here..."

Damnit. It's true.
"Ok, fine , I'll come get it Thursday"
"Cool"
"Then I'm promptly leaving"
"Maybe you could chill for a bit?"
"No"
"Please?"
"No."
"I'll roll a joint or get beer?"
"No"
"I'll make Roti too..."

Hmm.


So Thursday I'm getting my guitar and some Roti.

I guess after all this time I'm still an idiot.

To be continued...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You desired my attention but denied my affections.

Rant time. Blog style.

Women & men are messed up beautiful creatures. In recent weeks I've been wondering about the differences between men & women, mainly how we communicate and interact with each other. I've also been thinking about how biologically, in the past men and woman went about things.

In cavemen time men weren't monogamous, they went out and did their thing all over the place. Women stayed in the cave and raised the children. Hunter-cave jumper and gatherer cave dweller. Maybe this is a step back for feminist theory but I really believe if you look at that you can gain a small measure of better understanding for why each sex do what they do. Men, in my opinion are not biologically made to be with just one woman. This isn't discrediting psycology or giving an excuse to cheating (because there a million reason why now, in a time of reversed roles and psycology, cheating is not cool or acceptable) but I'm talking from a biological DNA point of view. Men are meant to go out and spread and women have to compete for that right to be spread on.

I see examples to prove this theory at work all the time.

In the process of getting "the sex"1.(1.the opposite and the act) women are hoarders and one-uppers where as men are band-wagon jumpers.
Humans like to collect things and surround ourselves with things. Music, make-up,kitchen supplies. They're comforts and indicators of our sexability (how much stuff do you have, how big is your car? Oh your car is so big, oh baby , oh baby) So when a human sees something they like, they usually want to collect it, make it their own, be comforted by this thing,use this thing to send out the signal "I'm do-able,damnit!" The difference between how men and women go about it is kind of funny, in my opinion.
A woman comes into my work wearing a pair of boots that I really like so I say "Hey I really like your boots..."
Then I top it off with,
"Where'd you get them?"
Because as a woman I want to a)hoard but because I'm a woman I also want to b)one up.
I won't ask her where she thinks I can a pair like hers, no I want THOSE boots, those exact boots, but maybe with fringe aka HER boots, but better,because then they'll be MY boots and then I'll be just as "sexable" (if not more) than her, because I've got her boots, but with fringe..and maybe a bow and a cool zipper to make some other girl's job of one uppage even harder.

A guy comes in wearing a pair of trainers my friend guy friend really likes. token male friend 6.0 says:
"Hey man, nice shoes"
and then go outs and gets similar new trainers the next day because he's a man, he's a band-wagon jumper. He doesn't need to get the exact same shoes, or better ones, just similar, because that evens the playing field.


A man will say to his buddy about Buddy's super cool girlfriend,
"Man, your girl is so cool, I wish I was dating someone that cool,someone like that"
and a woman will say to her friend about her friend's man,
"Oh , my gosh, Tony's so cool. I wish I was dating Tony"
Because a man wants to jump aboard, Women want to jump Tony.

It's all biological. Men, for the most part, want to spread their seed. If another man has cool kicks and therefore has upped his chances of spreading his seed his fellow man will follow suit.
"Those kicks will get me laid"
Women want to be spread on, so if another woman has fine ass boots that make her spread worthy other woman will want those boots to take away from her spread ability.

"I want those, not something like those, but hers, her exact thing"
There's a Chris Rock video to explain this in an even more hilarious way than I do, I'll have to thank him because most of this theory is his. If you can find it for me, I'd love you forever.
Alright, rant over.

Over and out.

Monday, February 1, 2010

.I don't see nothin' wrong, with a little bump n' grind.

Hi there February.


How do I explain how happy and full of hope my heart is?

I can't really, but rest assured, it's pretty flippin' full of good stuff along with blood and veins and gooey shit.

I have some projects on the go that I'm really excited about: A website, a birthday party, an accessory launch and possibly a design show. Holler to working towards the career goal. I'm no longer thinking small potatoes...I'm thinkin' potato domination.

Personal life is pretty bouncing too, there's a trip to Brooklyn coming up, the 751 weekend crew and a very very tall boy who's taken me on some of the best dates I've had in over a year.

"Want this shit forever"