Continued.

All's not lost. I've still got my slowly growing career in PR. I'm working on that website and the other day I made a Halifax connection and set-up a possible show for my one and only client.

I have a client.

That was today's saving grace.

Onto Kicks.

There's not much to say about him other than he is the unattainable of all unattainable people.
He's gorgeous.
He's older.
He's got his crap together.

Sure, you might think, why does this make him unattainable?

He calls me kid.
Did I mention he's a lot older.
He just got out of a huge relationship....

...and today I found out he's going away, so regular happenstance contact with him will be over. He'll be away and then if I actually ever want to see him again I'll have to make an actual effort..which he could in turn, could turn down.
Uck. Rejection on the table, I don't like those odds.
I'm also 99% positive he has never once thought about me naked. Not good considering I can't stop picturing him without his clothes on.

Did I mention Mr.Black looks exactly like him? Coincidence, I think not. When I first met Mr.Black I thought
"Oh yum, you look like Kicks, but younger and we're in a real social setting where hitting on you isn't awkward because if you reject me I won't see you tomorrow"

So now he's gone, and today was dedicated to crying. He told me he was leaving, then went out and bought me chocolate.
"Don't cry, here, eat chocolate.Chocolate always makes you happy."
"You're going to make me fat"
"Guys like a little cushion"

Out loud I proclaimed that he was only buying off my tears because he didn't know how to deal with emotional women, inside I just got sadder. How can you not adore a man that buys you chocolate every single time you're sad?

I guess the downside of secret crushes is the fact that they're a secret. The object of your affection will never be able to return that affection because they have no idea that there's an option.
I know, I'm a coward. I adore one man and I can't bare to tell him because I'm so afraid he doesn't feel the same and I engage in a half ass relationship with Mr.Black to do what? Fill a void?
The thing about Mr.Black is that he's not the greatest conversationalist, he doesn't make me laugh and sometimes it gets really awkward, but now that I'm actually investigating my head I think I was using him.
Yes, I was using him because he was the attainable semi-carbon copy of Kicks. Kicks who I adore and will never be able to tell.

So instead I'm going to finish this barrel of chocolate, drink some wine and pout a little more.

Life, right?