.Oh heart why do you hurt so much?

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

.Help, I'm alive.

I've thought a lot about the fog that comes with being in love...and I wondered, are we all just blinded when involved with someone? and if that's the case are we just the blind leading the blind?

Does a person need to step-back and out of a relationship to be able to really see if the one they were with, was in short, the one?
I hung out with my ex today and it was generally a well-rounded day, we talked, shopped for a rug for his house and visited the toy shop. Throughout the whole thing I (as I do) analyzed our entire joke of a relationship. We were together for 3 measly months and we never really argued, however, I never felt like he was really invested in me or us, or anything for that matter that didn't revolve around him. I could clearly see him; now that the fog had lifted, that he is a nice enough guy but definitely not someone I could ever co-exist sanely with.
Then I thought about my current relationship with Ell,Or 'hiatus' of a relationship: We are fighting all the bloody time. Yet, we're in love so neither of us can really see the bigger picture.Is it that I'm just too self involved or that he's not compassionate enough,or both..or neither?!
Is he right for me? Am I right for him?Do we fight because we care or is it because we're just too different and if we're fighting so much does that mean we're just having a passionate encounter or are we just crusin' for a brusin'?
Maybe we're closest masochists.
I have no idea.
The only real conclusion that I came to was how I felt through my fog with my ex and how I feel right now. Before I just wanted to be done and over with it, to be clear sighted and move on.
This time I don't care that I'm walking blind, I just want Ell there with me when I do it.


Que sera sera, whatever will be , will be. The future's not ours to see, Que sera sera.

.!.

T-minus one day until Igo back to work after a sweet long weekend.

T-minus two hours until my job interview!

T-minus three days until I'm 21.

T-minus four minutes until I'm eating that bagel I've been dreaming about.

Life is doing alright today.

.On a completly different note.

I'm excited to re-decorate my house.
New paint, new house-hold perspective (hopefully).
I'm just not sure exactly what to do with it all, there are so many bedrooms and so many bad paint jobs to paint over.

I found these pictures off the RVA blog that Carly got me into. I'm using them as inspiration for our Bedroom.

I'm in love with the gingerbread feel of the wall, and how clean the white looks next to the brown. In the blog the whole room was brown, but I think I just want to paint one wall of our bedroom this pretty mocha colour. I'm just worried about everything that we already have for our bedroom, all the furniture is black. (Our last bedroom had red walls, black and white bedding and black furniture) and I'm not exactly sure what to do, black and mocha brown don't go together do they? Ack, I need some serious interior design help.

Also, how many layers of primer do you need over red paint? 5 billion?

I need help, I am sure as heck not good at interior design.

.Holy Green Tea Batman.

I've discovered a new fact this week: Being self aware is important.
That way you would just know if your friends think you're self-involved, your boyfriend thinks you don't want to see problems from other people's points of view and your boss thinks you're naive and lazy.

Oh no friends, being self-aware of your behaviour would put a stop to all that negative feedback-because you would already know these facts about yourself.

Mini rant for a moment?
Being told you're naive, lazy, self-involved, selfish and generally a bitch from all different areas that compile to make up your life; All at once, is shit. It is a shit feeling and I don't wish this feeling on anyone (except for murderers and rapists). It is probably the worst thing I have ever felt, because it's me, me who is making people so fucking miserable. All me, baby.
It's ironic too, that I start a blog and the next day get called 'self-involved'.

<3 Edie

Can I just take a minute to mention how much I love her?

.Day one.

I miss the days of "blogging".

I use to have a live-journal when I was in highschool, but after a rather truthful entry**, getting dumped because of said truthful entry and a serious lesson in internet etiquette I went off the intra-connected access to my sub-conscious.

* it was stupid to write online that he was clingy and that his breath always reaked of doritos, but it was the truth.

However, now, I'm back. I figure what better way to record my twenties than online...I guess I could buy a journal, but where's the fun in that?

Today's main focus: "The Workforce"

Today, is the first day off I've had in a while.

It is so strange to me that despite having two jobs I just never seem to have any cash, I guess it's a catch 22 or something. Work work work,broke broke broke. I'm trying to get excited for the job interview I have on monday but the more I think about it the more I know, I am so under qualified. However, I need the cash and it would be a sweet place to work so I'm going to give it everything I've got.

I never realised how much my job affects my happiness. Take this summer for example, I was on top of the world despite the factors; I had some money, but not a lot, A relationship that was crap from the get-go and no free time, but despite all of that I was happy. Every day I woke up smiling, went to work, felt proud of how hard I worked, hung out with my friends, painted and felt really great about myself.

But now....now that's all changed.

I still don't have any cash(which I think is a curse put on my head for all of eternity), my friends are just as sweet as they were in the summer, I have oodles of free time and I'm more in love with Elliott than ever...but, I'm unhappy. I feel unaccomplished and lacking in the self-esteem department, which, by the way, has never really been a huge issue with me. I'm starting to wonder if it's my job, and if so, do I just quit? How do you improve when you have no idea what the heck to improve apoun.

Long story short,the more I hear about how "useless" people are saying I am the more I really believe it.

But I'm not useless, right?

"Right!" the self-help part of brain says, but the rest of my hard-drive; the cerebral cortex of me really thinks that now-a-days, maybe they're right.

The worst part is that this shitty lull is starting to affect everything else.

Gawd damnit.

In good news, my sister is throwing me an early birthday party this weekend...and next week, well next week, I turn 21.

Let's go to Vegas,baby.