Sex and the Shitty.

I'm about to drop a whole lot of spoilers, so if you haven't seen Sex and the City 2 and you want to without knowing all the "juicy" details, then don't read on.

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As the opening credits started rolling, tuned to Alicia Key's "New York State of Mind" I couldn't help bouncing in my seat. For an entire year of my university career I'd come home, round up my roommates and pop in a season of SATC. What heartships would Miranda, Charlotte and Carrie face? Who would Samantha fuck? How many relatable scenarios would ensue? My girlfriends and I would compare our current love interests to the men on the show. Who was your Aiden, who was your Big? We would laugh, cheer and cry along with these characters that we loved so because they were just like us...with better shoes, jobs and wardrobes.

The first SATC movie tied up all lose endings; Carrie married Big. Charlotte finally had a (non-adopted) baby, Samantha got back to her wild ways and Miranda, well Miranda did some shit. "What could they do next?!" I wondered aloud as the movie got going. The previews had tipped me off to Cosmo quotes, a trip to Abu Dhabi and...surprise, a re-appearance of everyone's favorite nice guy...Aiden! "Woooo,Carrie's going to sleep with Aiden! Karma's a bitch!" I excitedly thought.

The movie started out with the girls getting ready for Stanford "Stannie" Blance's wedding. Ten minutes in I was wondering why I was just watching scenes of the girls shopping in some over priced boutique. To be fair, yes, they always did this, but there was always some irony involved when Carrie bought shoes and admitted, "These Monolo's cost about two months rent." There were no longer quotes like, “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls... because they can." Where was the witty dialogue I had come to love and expect from these characters?

The girls discussed the upcoming "gay" wedding. "My best gay friend is marrying her best gay friend!" Charlotte said. I wondered if Charlotte was always that annoying. "Here come the gays!" Carrie said before the scene cut. "Here come gays? I don't get it.." I whispered to my viewing partner. "Oh wait, like...here comes the bride..." Needless to say ten minutes into the movie I was disenchanted.

Flash forward from a series of nothing scenes involving highlights of how fabulous the girls were living to Carrie talking to Big about their couch in a scene so awkwardly acted it was almost painful to watch; Charlotte being stressed over being a mother; Miranda doing some shit, Samantha not having sex once, to a scene of the girls walking through the desert to middle eastern themed music. "Look at us! A couple of gals in Abu Dhabi!" Carrie said. As the girls cheered I groaned. How was it possible for a movie to continue on without any forward action in their personal stories? The word "half-assed" kept coming to mind. When the girls donned abayas and burkas to run through the streets I went to get popcorn. If my friend wasn't mildly enjoying the movie I would have left altogether. In my absence I missed a group of women shedding their abayas to reveal the entire Versace spring collection and discussing a Suzanne Somers 'novel'. Excuse me while I barf up my coffee all over my keyboard, reminiscing about this makes me feel somewhat ill.

All of the somewhat funny lines were highlighted in the previews and Aiden was only involved long enough to kiss Carrie and have her run away to realize that , surprise surprise, she desperately loves her husband, Big. Hold on, I'm about to vomit all over again.

In short Sex and the City 2 is like trying to get a guy hard again after blowing his money-shot load all over you two minutes prior. Instead of continuing the story they just fill two hours with shoes, furniture, vintage clothing and gold plated sunglasses. Gone are the days of ground breaking statements such as "He's just not into you," replaced with comments about eating french fries under a burka. As a friend so aptly put it "There's no story, it's just a marketing circle-jerk."

I will even admit, friends, that I went to see it twice in hopes of finding some redeeming qualities. I only came out feeling dejected and cursing the creators of this foul smelling movie. Damn you for playing on my love of these characters and what happens to them. However, like I said, I saw it twice. Play on my love of all things Sex and the City once, shame on you. Fall for it twice, shame on me.